Seinfeld

A couple of weeks ago my brother sent me a link to an article where the writer went through the arduous task of ranking all of Jerry’s girlfriends on Seinfeld.  My brother joked (or was it a challenge?) that a blog of my own list would be amusing.  I won’t refute that contention, but I concede that I wouldn’t even know where to begin with the daunting task of making that list.  I’d probably have to re-watch every episode to even remember half of the girlfriends (although I guess I could just use the aforementioned list as a starting point.)  But how do I rank them?  Is the top spot for the most attractive girlfriend, the best match for Jerry, the best character, the most famous actress?  Does it just default to the one who walked around naked in the apartment?

So alas, I didn’t attempt that list.  However, all of this did pique my interest in doing a Seinfeld blog.  Almost 25 years since the pilot debuted (and 15 years since the finale – god I’m old), the show is still as funny as ever.  So I spent some time thinking of a good blog to write.  Would it be the best recurring characters?  I think Puddy wins that one.  Would it be the best one-time guest appearances?  I’m partial to Philip Baker Hall as Bookman the Library Detective and Marisa Tomei as herself.  I could also do the best quotes or the funniest moments (and the list below has plenty of these.)  In the end I went in a more traditional direction.  After spending way too much time reading episode recaps (time I could have spent cleaning the house, doing our taxes, or volunteering to help those in need), I decided to rank the best episodes.

Before we get to the Top 12 Seinfeld Episodes (I settled on a dozen in lieu of more boring top 10), here are a few (or more) episodes/moments/quotes that didn’t make the list.

Quotes Mrs. and I use all the time:

From Season 2’s “The Apartment”:

George:  For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

Woman yelling out window at marathoners:  You're all winners!

George:  But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

Elaine: You sold us a hair with a cake around it. (Season 5’s “The Dinner Party”)

From Season 8’s "The Comeback":

Kramer:  I didn’t know it was possible to come out of a coma.

Jerry:  I didn’t know it was possible not to know that.

Izzy Mandelbaum holding up a “World’s Greatest Dad” t-shirt in Season 8’s “The English Patient”:

Izzy Mandelbaum:  How 'bout that, huh?  The World's Greatest Dad.  My son made it for me.  The best in the world.  Which means I'm better 
than just number one.

Jerry:  Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.

Hilarious sequences that missed the cut:

I love all of Bookman the library detective’s scenes from Season 3’s “The Library”, including:

Bookman:  Yeah, '71.  That was my first year on the job.  Bad year for libraries.  Bad year for America.  Hippies burning library cards.  Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books.  I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to.  Rock was never my bag.  But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

Kramer is “Batman” in Season 5’s “The Fire”:

Kramer:  Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me!  So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know?  Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door, you know, with my foot, you know at the next stop.

Jerry:  You kept makin' all the stops?

Kramer:  Well, people kept ringin' the bell!

Jerry sets Elaine up on a blind date in Season 5’s “The Stand In”:

Elaine:  He took it out.

Jerry:  He what?

Elaine:  He took . . . . it out.

Jerry:  He took what out?

Elaine:  It.

Kramer worried about his sperm count in Season 6’s “The Chinese Woman”:

Jerry:  Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.

Kramer:  Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

Jerry:  You went back to the Jockeys?

Kramer:  Wrong again.

Jerry:  Oh, no.

Elaine:  What?  What?

Jerry:  Don't you see what's goin' on here?  No boxers, no Jockeys.

Elaine:  Ewww.

Jerry:  The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.

Kramer gets a job in Season 8’s “The Bizarro Jerry”:

Kramer:  I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by nine.

Jerry:  Why?

Kramer:  Because I'm workin' there, that's why.

Jerry:  How long have I been asleep?  What--what year is this?

Kramer:  . . . . at Brandt-Leland, I'm gettin' things done.  And I love the people I'm workin' with.

Jerry:  How much are they payin' you?

Kramer:  No, no, no, no.  I don't want any pay.  I'm doin' this just for me.

Jerry:  Clearly.  So uh, what do you do down there all day?

Kramer:  T.C.B. You know, takin’ care o’ business.

George’s answering machine message in Season 8’s “The Susie” to the tune of the Greatest American Hero theme song – “Where could I be?  Believe it or not, I’m not home.”

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So as funny as those were, they didn’t quite make the list (although clearly they made the post.)  And I still had the tough job of whittling the list down, having to eliminate such great episodes as Season 3’s “The Fix-Up” (“My boys can swim!”), Season 5’s “The Hamptons” (“I was in the pool!”), and Season 9’s “The Reverse Peephole” (“It’s not a purse.  It’s European!”).  But I managed to narrow it down to the best dozen.  So here they are, the Top 12 Seinfeld episodes ever (drumroll please):

12:  “The Muffin Tops” (Season 8)

Kramer starts The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour, Jerry shaves his chest (“Listen to me.  You don’t tell anybody about this.  No one.  You hear me?”), George poses as a tourist to date a woman who works for the New York Visitor’s Center, and of course the Muffin Tops – Top of the Muffin to you!

Jerry:  So you're pretending to be a tourist?

George:  It's beautiful.  She makes all the plans.  I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup.

Jerry:  How do you explain your apartment?

George:  I got a hotel room.

Jerry:  You moved into a hotel?

George:  Well I don't know anyone here Jerry.  Where else am I going to stay?

11:  “The Pick” (Season 4)

Jerry’s model girlfriend breaks up with him because of the pick of the title (“It was a scratch.”) and Kramer models for Calvin Klein in his underwear.  But this episode is famous because of Elaine’s Christmas card:

Jerry: I’m not sure and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I see . . . a nipple.

10:  “The Mango” (Season 5)

Elaine admits to faking, even with Jerry.  Kramer gets banned from the fruit store.  Jerry and George discuss George’s lack of confidence “below the equator” (“. . . nobody know what to do.  You just close your eyes and you hope for the best.”)  Elaine eventually relents to give Jerry another chance in the bedroom.

Kramer:  You know, I faked it.

Jerry:  What?!

Kramer:  Yeah.

Jerry:  You faked it?  Why would you do that?

Kramer:  Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

9:  “The Van Buren Boys” (Season 8)

Kramer has a run-in with a gang and sells his stories to Peterman, for whom Elaine is penning a memoir.  Jerry dates a seemingly wonderful woman who everyone thinks is a loser.  But the highlight is George interviewing kids for a scholarship through the Susan Ross Foundation:

George:  Quick, what's your favorite animal?

Student:  I . . . I don't know . . . frog?

George:  Frog?

Student:  Well, I . . .

George:  Frog is wrong.

And then choosing a promising young student:

George:  His GPA is a solid 2.0.  Right in that meaty part of the curve.  Not showing off, not falling behind.

8:  “The Pool Guy” (Season 7)

Elaine strikes up a friendship with Susan, which threatens to kill “Independent George.”  Jerry’s pool guy keeps popping up everywhere he goes.  Kramer changes his phone number, which is very similar to the number for Movie Phone:

Kramer:  Hello and welcome to Movie phone.  If you know the name of the
 movie you'd like to see, press one.

(George does this)

George:  Come on.  Come on.

Kramer:  Using your touch-tone keypad, please enter the first three
 letters of the movie title, now.

(George does this)

Kramer:  You've selected . . . Agent Zero?  If that's correct, press one.

George:  What?

Kramer:  Ah, you've selected . . . Brown-Eyed Girl?  If this is correct,
 press one . . . . (after long pause) Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you've
 selected.

George:  Chunnel.

Kramer:  To find the theater nearest you, please enter your five digit 
zip-code, now.

(George does this)

Kramer:  (after another long pause) Why don't you just tell me where you want to see the movie?

*A quick aside.  Mrs. and I both love the fake movies that Seinfeld came up with over the years:  Death Blow; Cry, Cry Again; Chow Fun; Rochelle, Rochelle; Prognosis Negative; and my personal favorite – Sack Lunch.

7:  “The Serenity Now” (Season 9)

Kramer installs a screen door (for “The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA.”), George attempts to sell computers for his father, Elaine is a shiksa (“I’m very flattered that you found me attractive enough to . . . lunge at me.), and Jerry gets emotional (“What is this salty discharge?”)

Frank Costanza: Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad news. And they're both the same: you're fired.

Serenity Now!

6:  “The Glasses” (Season 5)

George has his glasses stolen, but gets a deal on a new pair thanks to Kramer.  Elaine gets bit by a dog and becomes afraid of them (“Elaine’s afraid of Snowball!”  “Little Snowball?  He runs on batteries.”)  George’s new glasses have a slight problem:  

Kramer:  (to George eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?

George:  Madame?  What are you calling me madam for?

Kramer:  They're ladies' glasses . . . . now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.

George:  He sold me ladies' glasses!

5:  “The Opposite” (Season 5)

George decides to do the opposite of his every instinct, which leads to dating a beautiful woman and getting a job with the Yankees.  Elaine’s life takes the opposite direction when she loses her job, gets dumped by her boyfriend, and is kicked out of her apartment (“I’m George! I’m George!)  Everything keeps evening out for Jerry.

George:  It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong.  My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.  Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat . . . It's all been wrong.

4:  “The Puffy Shirt” (Season 5)

A broke George has to move back in with his parents (you have to love Frank and Estelle – see quote below), but he subsequently becomes a hand model after his hands are “discovered” (“Well, that’s what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.”)  Kramer dates a low talker and Jerry ends up unwittingly agreeing to wear her puffy shirt creation on the Today show (“But I don’t want to be a pirate!”)  A classic.

Estelle:  I knew it.  I knew it.  I always knew you had beautiful hands.  I used to tell people.  Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?

Frank:  Who the hell did'ya ever mention his hands to?

Estelle:  I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!

Frank:  You never mentioned them to me!

Estelle:  (to George) I always talk about your hands - how they're so soft and milky white.

Frank:  No!  You never said milky white!

Estelle:  I said milky white!

3:  “The Contest” (Season 4)

Not much to be said about this one.  I think this is where the show went from popular comedy to a cultural phenomenon that everyone was talking about.  An entire show about the group abstaining from “you know.”  Genius.

Kramer: I’m out!

2:  “The Chicken Roaster” (Season 8)

Mrs. and I both love this episode.  Tough to beat Jerry (“Oh I’m stressed”) and Kramer (“That’s a shame”) switching apartments and then turning into each other.  George wears a big sable Russian hat, and leaves it behind at his date’s apartment to try to weasel another date.  Elaine has to go find Peterman in the Burmese jungle.  And Jerry’s friend Seth gets fired for blowing off a meeting and then becomes the manager at Kenny Rogers’ Roasters (“Jerry, I lied, I’m just the assistant manager.”) 

Long live The Red Menace!

(Kramer fills bowl with cereal and then removes the tomato

juice from the fridge.)

Jerry:  What are you doing?

Kramer:  Getting some cereal.

Jerry:  That's tomato juice.

(Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal and then spits it out)

Kramer:  That looked like milk to me!  Jerry my rods and cones are all screwed

up!  Alright, that's it. I gotta move in with you Jerry.

(Kramer spills the cereal and tomato juice on Jerry's wall)

Jerry:  I don't know Kramer.  My concern is that . . . .

1:  “The Switch” (Season 6)

We get the first name, and it’s Cosmo!  George thinks his girlfriend is bulimic (“Elaine, of course I’m concerned.  I’m payin’ for those meals.”)  And of course Jerry and George plotting how to undertake the roommate switch, one of the greatest sequences in the show’s history (“Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch?  In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!”).

Jerry: She’s into it. . . And not only that.  She just called me and . . . the roommate’s into it too.

George: That’s unbelievable.

Jerry: Oh, it’s a scene man.

So there you have it.  If you turn on the TV right now, chances are you’ll find one of these episodes on right now.  I might go watch one of them for the 17^th time.